I cried myself to sleep that night. Everything felt wrong. The thought of waking up next morning was a punishment. I wanted to end it all there. I thought of all the things happening to me, they didn’t seem okay. Nothing was okay. Nobody stayed. Everybody wondered what was up with me. Nobody stood by me. After all I wasn’t the same person they became friends with. I engrossed myself in things I thought I would never do. I felt alone in a room full of people. I felt pain that no words could describe. It became a habit to be alone. It became a habit to not be okay. I spent nights crying, silently. I’d cry with my mouth covered so that nobody could hear me. I’d cry in pain. I’d cry like I was dying. At the end of the day my tears were all I had. I realized it then, nobody stays. All I have is me. I can trust only me. Nobody cares about me like I do. I woke up feeling lighter. I did not expect anybody to be with me but my own self. I grew, I grew into a better me. I invested more time in me. It was about me for the first time and not about others. It was about what I wanted to do and not about what others wanted me to do. I was free from my own negativity. And did I cry after that? Oh no. I was free.
When you’re leaving a place you get this strange feeling you know, you start missing the people and the place even before you leave. The place and people have a great impact on you, so when you’re leaving you realize you’re not going to be the same person anymore. Not only will you miss the people you lived with but also the person you’re now. When you’re leaving you want to feel everything again for the last time. You want to go to your school for the last time, you want to meet every person you know for the last time, you want to go to your hangout spot for the last time, everything again, for the last time. Last times either bring happiness or sorrow. Last time to school is sad, last time to your hangout spot is sad, last time with your ex is happy (well, I guess), last time to the exam centre is – well, I don’t have to say :3. And when you are about to depart every step feels heavy, every embrace feels like all the goodbyes ever told to you coming back at you together. After you let go and walk away you feel an adrenaline rush, your heart sinks but you also know it’ll survive and swim back. You feel the zest of the beginning of a new adventure. It’s time for you to have a change in your life, it’s time for you to be a new person – a person better than you were yesterday. It’s time to leave. My friend, it’s time to start a new story.
It might seem like it’s not going to be okay, but it will. When you are going through something it seems unceasing, but there’s hope. There’s hope for everyone and everything. Hope helps us get through, it is the reason why so many of us are alive. When you feel hopeless, it’s time you start investing in things that don’t bring back disappointments. It’s time you invest your efforts into better things. Bad experiences only teach you what not to look for, the next time. So don’t fear and go ahead. It’s not the end, it is the beginning of a different kind of life. Oh, so you want to ride that? 😉 Go ahead! You want to get inked? Go ahead! Oh, you want to learn new stunts? Go for it! What is the worst that can happen? You might ‘only’ break a bone or two. Haha, kidding. Don’t, don’t try doing that. xD
She pulled him in her arms and felt his breath, looked into his eyes and got closer to them. They could hear each other’s heartbeat, could feel their breath calming. He felt her smooth skin under her shirt. She held his jaw line and kissed his lips. They kissed like they couldn’t get enough of their love. Her smooth hair tickled his cheek. He paused and smiled and kissed her again. They slipped themselves under the blanket, hugging each other. They made love, for the last time. He knew he was leaving her. She fell asleep in his arms. He slipped silently at the break of dawn. She woke up at the sound of a gunshot and understood he was gone. He was shot in the chest. He smiled and breathed for the last time. She ran towards the woods and saw him lying dead. Last night was the last night of love. She fell on her knees next to him, his dead body. She felt his half warm body, that was cuddled up in her arms last night. She was told he had to be shot. They couldn’t, after all, leave a criminal alive for too long. She was mistaken to be listening to the words spoken to her. He was soulless, so was she. They breathed their last breath together. It was over, they were gone.
The time you met him first, maybe you were already in love with some one else or maybe you did not believe in love at first sight or that click when you see someone so good. When you were busy day dreaming in classes he was busy dreaming about a life together with you. When you were crying about being ugly because none of your selfies came out well, he was looking at that one tagged picture of yours on Facebook and smiling because for him you’re beautiful. When you were seeing other guys who clearly weren’t good for you, he was jealous but made sure you weren’t in trouble because of him. Maybe you noticed him or full well knew he wanted you, you liked the attention and care. Maybe you took him for granted. When you were busy being you he was falling for you. “He” is that guy who intentionally/unintentionally never caught your attention. Maybe he’s used to being taken for granted. Maybe this time it’s not affecting him at all or maybe it’s eating him up inside. Maybe your trust has been broken a thousand times but this time you have met the right one. He is the one. He would take a bullet for you.
That winged eyeliner, that 20$ mascara and those perfect eyes are not goals always, they’ve been smudged and spoiled at times. Those lips that wear perfect matt lipstick now, have felt dry and chapped when the rest of the face had wet tear drops everywhere. Every time she wiped her tears her blush would go away too. The actual beauty would grow dull each day, and it would only be covered with heavier layers of makeup each morning to show that everything was okay. The night face would intensely detest it’s own reflection. The fake layers of makeup would be back each morning, she would be goals but no one knew how dead she was beneath those layers. She saw her real dead face one evening and then it occurred to her what she had become. Her old self would have envied the present her. No, she did not want this. How did it all happen? The wave of change hit her and the deadness started to heal. It was done. She needed no fake layers to conceal her. She was there right before the mirror noticing herself and oh, did she love herself? Absolutely.
End of the year and it’s time for the “New year new me” posts flooding your Facebook and Instagram news feeds. Oh no! Well, it’s funny how we are enthusiastic about our new year resolutions in the beginning but by December we give up and are there, sitting on the couch. Sitting on the couch, munching Nachos with cheese sauce. What about that diet chart and workout routine? Still wasting time on cellphones, fighting with our partners because they liked someone’s dp, we don’t like. What about letting go of stupid people, wasn’t that one of your resolutions too? Oh, life is difficult isn’t it?
Well after giving up on resolutions, do you still think that you’re going to get anywhere in life? Do you still say you’d crack that exam? Pfft. Well, no. That ain’t going to happen. Some of us give up on dreams/resolutions because we look how far we’ve to go, not how far we have come. Some dreams are given up, some are crushed, some are not worked hard on. People who think that they’re going to get what they want without working hard are the ones that don’t know there’s always someone who is grinding that extra hour while they sleep/party. Irrespective of what comes our way, out of us, who make it through the problems and opposition are the ones that will be telling their struggle stories to the world and inspiring many others. Who do you want to be? A dreamer or a dreamer that ‘did not’ give up? Really, do not give up on dreams just because someone says you can’t. Someone’s comment should actually be one of the many reasons you accomplish.
After a phase of depression and trying to give up. I’m back on my blog. This page doesn’t reach a lot of people, it’s not as popular and i’ve been getting negative comments too. But if my posts help atleast one person be positive, I promise to post more often. Also, speak up about depression, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. xoxo
“Be happy for what you have while you work for what you want.”
It’s weird how anyone can leave behind a void in your life when they die. It could be anyone; it could be an aunty that goes to the same departmental store as you. You might have got used to see her every weekend but when you don’t, you wonder where she would be. When you come to know she’s no more, you have this sensation of tiny needles poking your heart, though she was no family to you. The whole thing leaves you thinking about them. You think of how alive they were and how they’re not, anymore. That body, that used to walk around with a soul is now rotting somewhere with no mark of life. The very thought of death sends a chill down everyone’s spine.
This was about someone who is a stranger (or maybe a half-known person). When a family member dies, it’s worse (maybe the worst?). When a family member dies they leave behind a whole lifetime of memories to think about. They leave behind a void you can’t come over, because they are blood. Life would be much easier if we could meet our dear ones, even after death. A son wouldn’t bury his face in a pillow and cry thinking of his mother, a thousand souls would tell us how they were killed or things they never told anyone. Most importantly, no one would have regrets, regrets about not being able to meet someone for the last time, or not being able to tell how much you loved someone.
Some regrets are buried within you and some are buried with you. This is why I say,
“Some regrets stay forever.”
Some days pass by, ma works hard on her writing pieces and of course Rudraksh always helped her.
“RUDRAKSH!!” ma shouted climbing up the stairs to Rudraksh’s room.
Rudraksh almost spilled his can of Red Bull. He started running towards the voice and clashes with his mom.
“What?! Are you okay? Did something happen?” Rudraksh almost shouted.
“You know what? GUESS!” mom said excitedly.
“I don’t know?”
“Oho. You men can never be interesting. You know what! I got a job! Finally!!” she squeaked and then hugged Rudraksh.
“Oh my god! Yes!” Rudraksh was really happy.
“When are you joining? Show me the placement letter.”
“They’ve only emailed me as of now. The HR head said I’ll receive the letter in a day or two.” she gave a big smile.
“Okay. Let’s celebrate?” asked Rudraksh.
“Any restaurant you choose! Get ready.”
“Italian today, pleeeaassee?” stretching the ‘please’ Rudraksh pleaded. Mom liked Indian more but agreed anyway.
Ma and Rudraksh go to Rudra’s favorite restaurant and spend the evening outside. Ma doesn’t keep track of time and forgets they had to be home before dad reached. She suddenly remembers and pulls Rudraksh towards the car, he was astonished and kept questioning his mom. She finally answered halfway to their house.
“Dad must’ve reached by now. He will be very angry on me.” She was worried.
“You will soon leave him, why care?”
Ma doesn’t answer to this.
“Ma? You will leave him right? You will give a divorce or not?” he asked doubtfully.
“Let me drive first and reach home fast.”
“This is unbelievable. Seriously.” He said, disgusted.
She drove in silence. They reach home and open the door. Mom starts searching for dad around. He suddenly appears and slaps Rudraksh.
“What the..?” he was shocked.
“Which girl are you behind?” looking towards ma, he said shivering in rage “This boy will spoil my reputation. I’ve earned it by hard work. You know how much it took to bring Avasar to these heights? Bloody bastard!” He was breathing hard.
“Yes, I know how much it took for you. I know. Who else will?”
“Rudraksh! Shush.” Ma whispered.
“It took your son’s happiness and freedom. It took ma’s self-respect. I fucking know.” He was furious.
“Look at how he’s talking to his dad.” He was looking towards ma. “You think you have the caliber to ever make any business this big and your mom, you think she would be alive if I had not married her when she couldn’t even afford a plate of food? Huh? I’ve told you. Nupur is your future and no other girl.”
Rudraksh looking towards mom. “Ma, you still won’t leave this guy? You still won’t?” Ma looked helpless at what answer to give. “Okay. I’m leaving this house. Screw you dad.” He said it while waving his middle in the air. Rudraksh went to his room and started packing his bag. He could hear dad breaking his beloved imported vases in rage, mom tried controlling him but to vain. There was silence after some time. Rudraksh heard a knock at his door. He turned and saw ma.
“Rudra” ma was sad.
Rudraksh turned his face, still packing his bag.
“Which girl was dad talking about?”
“Why do you care? Care for your bloody husband.” He said rudely.
“I care for you the most and this is why I’m asking Rudraksh. Why don’t I know about this girl? Hm?” she said in a calm tone.
Rudraksh started crying. He recited everything. Ma was listening to him and her mouth was a little open in shock as she absorbed everything he said.
“Had I known about this I would never let it happen.” She said, hugging Rudraksh who was broken.
They sat in silence.
“I’m going to the court tomorrow. I’m walking out.”
Rudraksh raised his head from her lap and looked into her eyes. Ma put his head back on her lap and caressed his hair. Rudraksh falls asleep in no time and ma put a blanket over him and left the room.
The next day, at Avasar head office Mr. Singhaniya gets court’s order. He’s shocked! This was the least expected. He was holding his divorce papers! He had an important agent waiting but he left everything and rushed home. He reaches home and opens his room and goes numb, Mrs. Singhaniya left his house, she walked out of the house. He went upstairs to see Rudraksh’s room, as expected it was empty too. He tried calling them. They had probably blocked his number. He wanders around the city, finally calls up his wife’s parents and ask them if they knew about their daughter and tells them about the divorce. They were shocked and that made it clear that they didn’t know about Mrs. Singhaniya either. He hanged up. He went back home like a poor soul.
He sat on the sofa and stared at the family pictures hanging on the wall. He realized he had become an animal over the years, an animal hungry for fame and money. Thinking of the early years, he cried. He cried bitterly. His heart felt warm, it melted after decades. He wanted her back. He wanted to go back in time and make everything okay but also wanted to let her go. He agreed. He agreed Mrs. Singhaniya deserved more. He let her be.
After 6 months…
They get divorced and Mrs. Singhaniya asks for nothing, no share in the property, nothing at all. They go separate ways after that. Miss. Agni Kaur (Mrs. Singhaniya) decides to never look back at her hurtful past.
5 years later.
Agni Kaur is now a motivational writer and speaker. She also runs a NGO for women. After her divorce she led the life she wanted.
Mr. Singhaniya is always neck-deep in work maybe that was the only way of distraction for him. He didn’t marry again.
Rudraksh is a handsome man of 22 now and also a winner of the leading singing show ‘Suron Ke Sikander’ he now playbacks for the Bollywood industry and is in a relationship with none other than Kiara!
Kiara is in the fashion industry and is one of the most renowned designers.
Kiara and Rudraksh are soon to get married.
They lived happily ever after.
Rudraksh enters his ma’s room and is shocked to see her bleeding and crying helplessly on the floor. Rudraksh knew who had done it. He runs towards his mom and helps her get up and pours out a glass of water for her. He helps her clean her wounds and calms her down. Finally, when she seems okay Rudraksh asks her who did it, though he knew.
“Beta, nothing. Just forget about it.” said ma.
“I know who did it and why he did it. Dad came home drunk didn’t he?” Rudraksh said, clenching his fists.
Ma looked at Rudra and started crying helplessly. Rudraksh tried holding her shivering body. She was in pain.
“Ma, why are you still with this man?”
“He’s your father beta. He provides us with our needs. I can’t leave him.”
“Ma, you think these cars and luxury, this house make me happy? No ma. Living with peace will make me happy. You and me in a small house, that will make me happy. Why don’t you take a divorce? It’s high time you know your worth. You’re not worth being beaten up every day by a drunken man for no apparent reason, actually you don’t deserve being beaten up for any reason. You’ve given your best to this marriage ma. Stop. Stop now. No more trying.” Rudraksh said emotionally.
“How will I fulfill your needs after the divorce? And our society will never accept this. Your Nana-Nani will never approve of this.”
“Ma, why don’t you apply for jobs? Why don’t you start writing again? I’m sure you can take your talent further. That way you can earn.”
“But.. but beta. I don’t write that good. I left writing long back. No, this won’t workout.” Ma said hesitantly.
“Ma. Sometime, at least sometime think of you. Please ma. This time it’s not just about your hobby but also about leading an independent and respectful life ahead. Please.”
“I need some time maybe. But about the divorce, beta I don’t think that can happen.”
“I know. You don’t feel confident about this divorce because you’re still dependent on dad. Start working on your skills and get a job that promises to pays you well. Then apply for the divorce. Better? Hm?”
“Okay.” ma said with a big smile and was happy about her 17 year old son.
*How mature has he become* she thought.
“Now go and sleep. It’s late. Help me with this new idea tomorrow ok?” said ma happily.
“Yes ma. Always.” Rudraksh kissed his mom on her cheeks.
Rudraksh while going back to his room realizes he did not tell his mom about Kiara, but then the situations weren’t right to bring up the topic so he decides to wait for a better opportunity.
The next morning, he wakes up with a smile since Kiara had called him up early in the morning. He picks up and they talk non-stop for 2 hours when Rudraksh’s ma knocked at the door. He hangs up and opens the door.
“Come down for breakfast. Your favorite today! Paneer Paratha!! Come fast.” said ma excitedly.
“Yaay! Okay. Give me 5 minutes.” Rudraksh was happy. Life seemed good after years!
Later that day, Rudraksh as promised helped his mom with her writing piece. They worked together for hours. Finally, ma finished and asked Rudra to read it. He found it impressive.
“Start looking for jobs! Send this to the leading editors in town I’m sure you will get a good response!”
Exactly at that time Rudraksh’s dad decides to walk in the study room out of nowhere and listen to their conversation.
“What? What job?” asked dad.
Rudraksh and ma were scared at this question.
“No.. nothing. We were talking about Rudraksh. He wants to do some internship. We were talking about that. Nothing else.” Ma said with confidence though she was scared on inside.
“Okay. But remember one thing Rudraksh, you will handle my business after I retire. Don’t dream of anything else.” Dad said with a dry tone. He was stone hearted.
This made Rudraksh angry, but he only looked away from his father.
After dad walked out.
“Kya beta? Dhyaan rakhna chahiye na?”
“Chuck it. Back to you, start applying for jobs. End this marriage and lead a life you deserve.” said Rudraksh professionally.
“Yes, beta.” Ma gave a big smile and kissed Rudraksh.
Ma and Rudraksh spend quality time together. After finishing the writing piece they order pizza and watch DDLJ (Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge) for the 100th time, it was ma’s favorite movie.
It was one of the best days for Rudraksh and his mom.
The day ends.